Terranauts 2020 “The Call of Cold, Dark Places” | Walt Jaschek, Writer | Don Secrease, Pencils, Inks, Colors | Splash Page: Paul Daly, Pencils | Walt Jaschek, Inks | Terranauts created by Paul Daly and Don Secrease
Yeah, those lightning bugs AKA fireflies really steal the show most nights. Dang Gnats think it’s out of a need to “strut one’s stuff,” to “work it,” or in their words, “show off.” But as the book Fireflies, Glow-worms, and Lightning Bugs: Identification and Natural History of the Fireflies of the Eastern and Central United States and Canada would tell us, the glow is created by a chemical reaction inside their bodies that allows them to light up. It’s bioluminescence, baby, and all it requires is oxygen. As to why do they glow? It’s a warning lightning bugs send to predators that says, “We don’t taste good. Bad. We taste bad.” Must be true. Who would want to eat a light bulb? – Walt Jaschek
P.S. In related news, we also like the Firefly: The Complete Series. 😉
Come on, it’s a big, wide world, Gnats! You think it’s odd there’s a place called Eyjafjallajökull, but of course it’s anEnglish Mountain Glacier , a small ice cap in Iceland. (Read “Lonely Planet Iceland Travel Guide.”) It’s north of Skogar and west of the Myrdalsjokull Glacier, all we all know. Yes, it’s an active volcano and has erupted frequently. Gnats should not be so ethnocentric and perplexed by a name in a foreign language. Not every place can be called “Gnatland.” – Walt Jaschek
P.S. We want this poster of Eyjafjallajökull!
Can a Simpsons™ character handle full-frontal nudity? Even in the name of art? This 6-page “Ned and the Nude” comic was written by Walt Jaschek and drawn by Don Secrease and Bill Lux, as an audition for a gig at Bongo, publisher of the Simpsons comicbook series. It’s a PG-rated tale about nudity in pop culture and America’s queasiness about that. It’s also a silly Ned Flanders solo story. Simpsons are © 20th Century Fox. Created by Matt Groening. (Props 4ever, Matt.)
Enjoy? You can also read Walt’s script for “Ned and the Nude,” our nakedly audacious audition for The Simpsons comic.
And/or enjoy these fine, non-nude Simpsons products on Amazon.com.
Here’s the script for our “Ned and Nude” Simpsons Comic audition. It’s not exactly “How to Write Comics the Walt Way.” But it might give you a peek into my approach. Simpsons are © 20th Century Fox. Created by Matt Groening. (You are my hero, Matt.)
“NED AND THE NUDE”
Writer: Walt Jaschek
Full-page splash. In the foreground is a cute, female ART MODEL, her back to us, her head turned so we can see her face. She is very, very NUDE. One long arm thrusts out and bends back to her hip. Framed in the space between her arm and body is our hero, NED FLANDERS. He is sweating. With one hand, he tugs at his pink collar. With the other, he hold a paint brush up to an canvas on an easel. But the paint is dripping and smearing: he just can’t focus!
CUTE MODEL: What’s WRONG, Mr. Flanders?
CUTE MODEL 2: Why won’t you…
CUTE MODEL 3: PAINT me?
FLANDERS 1: Well, I… [GULP!]
FLANDERS (thought 1:) Great gobs of GIDDY-GOO, man!
FLANDERS (thought 2:) Get a ho-ho-HOLD of yourself!
STORY TITLE: NED AND THE NUDE
END PAGE 1
1 – A classroom. From behind Ned. Across the room, the silhouette of the model, her hands on her hips. Ned is turning to look up — there’s a hand on Ned’s shoulder. And a cigarette burning from the hand!
Voice (from off): YES, Ned. You do seem a little… “UPTIGHT.”
2 – Reveal: Marge’s sister Selma. She is chain smoking, pontificating like a self-important teacher. Because in this class — she is!
Selma: STUDENTS! Did I not LECTURE this class on the need for a true NUDE FIGURE ARTIST to let GO!…
Selma 2: GO!…
Selma 3: [[cough!]]
Selma 4: GO?
3 – A three-shot. Ned, at his easel. On the left, a little behind: Marge, also painting at an easel. On the right, also a little behind: Barney.
Ned: Oh GOSH, Selma! You’re the best darn ADULT EDUCATION ART TEACHER here at EAST-LOWER SPRINGFIELD JUNIOR HIGH!
Ned: It’s JUST that…WELL…
4 – CU of Selma, scowling.
Selma: WHAT, Ned? WHAT?
5 – A shot past the model as Ned leaps up from the easel — he uses one hand to cover his eyes. With his other, he points to the model. He can contain himself no longer.
Ned (yelling): The HUMAN BODY is OBSCENE!
NED (yelling 2): And LOOKING at it is a mortal SIN so SEVERE it’ll yank your SPLEEN out!!!!
6 – 2-shot. Ned is artificially calm now, grinning sheepishly at Selma and making a circular gesture with his hand just above the surface of his canvas.
NED: Plus, I’d feel better with more time for the “UNDER-DRAWING.”
END PAGE 2
1- Exterior shot of East-Lower Springfield Junior High.
SELMA (from within): Are you GETTING this, class?
SELMA (from within): Ned is EMBARASSED — by THIS!
2- In foreground, Selma gesturing to the tableau behind her. The beautiful, nude model. Holy cow! She looks like Britney Spears! With gigantic bosoms! And this is no normal pose: she’s holding a whip! While sucking on lollipop. Wearing (as it turns out) fishnets! About to get into a bathtub! While a fan blows her big hair. In other words, a bunch of obvious cheesecake cliches.
(Selma’s word balloons hide the model’s naughtier bits.)
SELMA: Merely by THIS:
SELMA 2: A completely NATURAL, NORMAL BODY…
SELMA 3: …in a completely NEUTRAL POSE!
3- Selma leans in to taunt Ned. He holds his head in his hands.
SELMA (whispering): Is it because she looks like BRATNEY SPHERES?
NED: SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN! YES!
4 – Selma tosses the nude model a robe.
SELMA: ACHTUNG, my so-called “ARTISTS!”
SELMA 2: When deconstructing the NUDE…
5 – Selma dramatically pulls the straps of her Moo-Moo from her shoulders.
SELMA: You must DIVORCE yourself from POP CULTURE CONTEXT!
6 – Floor level shot, past Selma’s disturbing, naked legs. The Moo-Moo is bundled at her feet. And in the background, our cast so far (Marge, Smithers, Barney) gasps in horror.
SELMA: (from above:) And THINK only…
SELMA 2: SEE only…
SELMA 3: (Yelling): MASS!!!
END OF PAGE 3
1- Same exterior shot as panel 1 on previous page. But now legions are running out the front door, still wearing paint smocks, paint hats, and wielding wet brushes. Who do we see here? How about… Chief Wiggums, Doctor Hibbard, and Apu…
GROUP SCREAM: AAAAAAAAAAAA!
2- Back inside. Ned and Selma. Ned is holding two thick paint brushes covering his eyes so he can’t see. Selma is putting her Moo-Moo back on.
SELMA: Yeah, this won’t work EITHER, Ned.
SELMA 2: We need a QUORUM to meet MODEL FFES.
3 – Cut to: another part of the room. WILLIE, the Scottish groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary, is… ripping off his shirt! He’s really buff — super-hero buff! And he’s coming right at us!
WILLIE: HOW about THIS, Flanders…
WILLIE 2: …ye wee bit o’ POOFY-BOY?
SELMA (from off): WILLIE!?
4- Willie has pulled his pants off one muscuar leg, and has the other muscular leg in the air, pulling the pants from it. Flanders and Selma look on, amazed.
5 – Willie, lying on his side now on the model platform. We’re looking past Selma now, and only her arm and lit cigarette hide his nether-regions.
WILLIE: If it’s a BODY divorced of CONTEXT ye be needin’, PANSY-painters…
WILLIE 2: Grab y’r tubes of YELLOW OOOOCHRA…and HAV’ AT!
6 – CLOSE-UP OF NED. He is holding two paintbrushes in the sign of the cross, as if stopping a vampire.
NED: No! NO! I won’t rendereth WILLIE, EITHER!
END PAGE 4
1- Ned points to his own booty as Selma his fellow artists look on.
NED: I can’t gaze upon ANY “BOO-TAY” that’s not in its God-given GARMENTS!
MARGE: But NED…
2 – Two-shot. Marge and Barney in front of their easels.
MARGE: THEN you won’t PASS the CLASS!
BARNEY: Yeah! And you’ll be doomed to REPEAT it FOR-EVER!
BARNEY 2: Like ME!
3- Ned consults a huge, 3-inch thick catalog, which he evidentally carries with him. On the cover: SPRINGFIELD ADULT EDUCATION / SPRING “SEMESTER”
NED: B… But I NEED to pass!
NED: It’s REQUIRED for admittance to ART 199:
NED: “The Art Of The FAMILY CIRCUS!”
4 – Ned is on his knees, burying his face in folds of Selma’s Moo-Moo.
NED: PLEASE, Selma — Is there ANYTHING I can DO to PASS…
NED: …that DOESN’T involve PAINTING the PANTSLESS?
5 – Selma puffs out a smoke ring and Flanders stares hopefully through it.
SELMA: WEEEELL — I can think of ONE “academic OUT.”
SELMA: It’s not really FAIR…
SELMA: …but it doesn’t break any COMMANDMENTS!
6 – Close-up of Ned, fists clenched, delighted.
NED: I’LL DO IT!
END PAGE 5
Full-page panel. Taking up most of this panel is the nude figure of … NED HIMSELF! He is standing on one foot. The other foot is cupped in one hand, and the leg is bent accordlingly. . The other hand is behind his neck. He is contorted… and content. He looks almost like a human ice swan. And he has a rose in his teeth!
NED (thinking 1): SAY…THIS isn’t so bad!
NED (thinking 2):I guess if I can’t MAKE art — I can BE art!
NED (thinking 3):I feel so…LIBERATED! So LOOSE! So…FREE! But then…
NED (thinking 4):That could just be the BREEZE!
And, looking past Ned, in a small horizontal group shot at the bottom of the panel, simultaneously reacting to this pose, is…
SELMA (pleased, framing him with her hands): FREEZE, you gorgeous MAN-CHILD!
SMITHERS (thinking): C’MAGNIFIQUE!
CAPTION: THE “END”
END PAGE 6
And/or enjoy these fine, non-nude Simpsons products on Amazon.com.
Bugs can ruin a picnic, all right. Hey. Wait a minute. What’s with the inter-insect prejudice? Can’t we all get along? Well, okay, the gnats don’t like mosquitoes. Who does? I will tell you this. I, gnat whisperer, Walt Jaschek, am the frequent target of mosquitoes. They looooove me. To bite me, that is. But I have found sure cures. These!
Right. Essential oils. A little dab of peppermint, or rosemary, or any of them, really, and the mosquitoes stay far away. Big bonus: you don’t smell like bug spray. You smell like an essential oil. You can go back inside proudly smelling yourself.
This has been a public service of Dang Gnats, Walt Jaschek, and Top 8 Essential Oils. You’re welcome.
Oh, ho! So that’s how heat index calculation works. We always thought so. But, you know, we bet a professional weather forecaster or meteorologist might disagree. Comments?
Walt Jaschek asks: Should we get this device?